Tonight at 10
The world is ending again
And we know why and when
So you better watch
We got a bit with some feminist chick
And also a picture of a starlet's crotch!
Two people died, a double homicide
Their bodies found inside
Of a wishing well
And we tackle the flaws
In these obesity laws
In this segment that's sponsored
By Taco Bell
We've got violence, danger, sex, and drugs
And it's awesome cause all of it's real!
We do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views
That you feel
All of this and more and live
Only on the Channel 5 News!
Only on the Channel 5 News!
We've got Chip Walker, live at the scene, with breaking news! Chip are you there?
Chip Walker here
Am I coming in clear?
I'm standing near
To the scene of the crime
This Iraqi guy's shop
Seemed a newsworthy spot
So we've been gathering shots here for quite some time
Today, real fast
The owner's daughter passed
We grabbed a shot of her ass
While the owner was near
Then he struck my chest
And now he's under arrest
And now you people have one less
Man to fear
This family's angry, crying, sad, and lost
And it's awesome, cause all of it's real!
I do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel
More as this develops live
Only on the Channel 5 News!
We go now to Max Stevens, with the weather for the weekend
What are we looking at here, Max: umbrellas or picnic baskets?
Max? Max?!
We're experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by
Alright, we got a signal. Cut to Max
Good evening, hi
It's your weather guy
I advise you to buy
Another lightning rod
We didn't catch
This impending disaster
Maybe it's natural, maybe it's God
The sliding mud
The incoming flood
Will never wash the blood
From my greedy old hands!
This job was fun, I had a pretty good run
But I've never been one to give in to demands!
People are angry, crying, sad, and lost
And it's awful cause all of it's real!
We do the illusion of news and while you think you're choosing the views that you feel
All of this and more and live
Only on the Channel 5
Only on the Channel 5
Only-only-on
