Perverts Meditation

Hello, my name is Hayden Anhedönia
And you're listening to NTS Radio
And I think I'm going to die soon
I don't know why
I get this feeling every so often
Where I remember, I remember four years ago, walking
And noticing something to a friend of mine
And, and she was asking me, I don't remember
But I told her I was scared, and she wanted to know why
She couldn't fathom it
Mmh, and I just told her: I feel like I'm gonna die soon
And I didn't have more words to put it into but
But I was there, and I've always had this vision
Of holding someone in my arms while I die
I don't know if it's me?
Or, I don't know
(It's not just you)
But do you ever wonder that
(Death is a common thought)
I always imagine that there's a pretty brave field of flowers
And they're yellow or maybe orange
And they're on the hillside, covering, mmh
I wanna die staring at the blue sky
If that's alright, if, if that's alright
And I don't know
Don't know what will happen
I don't know what I want
(You must delve to find yourself)
I don't know what I want
I feel like I, I want to dig a hole and I wanna
I wanna crawl down inside the hole just so that I can feel it
I can feel it, on the other side of the wall or the floor
And I wanna put my hands on the ceiling, and I-I wanna rise up
I wanna push my body against it
I wanna be close to it
I know I can fit inside
I wanna throw up
I'm gonna be sick
I wanna get on the floor and lie here, I need it to be dark
I don't want people to look at me
I don't want people to look at me
And I want you to listen but I don't want you to look at me
Mhm- and I always have to put- put my hand on my chest
And I have to feel my heart 'cause I feel like it's beating too fast
And I get scared
And there's a man
And he's watching me
And he's watching me
What is it, what is it?
And I can see his
I can see the outline of his head and his shoulders
But I can't see his face
I can't see his face
In my room when I was two when the door locked
And my momma and my daddy couldn't get in
They couldn't, couldn't get in
And they said that I said
They said I saw
Him and I wanted to know who he was
And that he was there on the hill
And I, I tried to crucify myself
But I couldn't go through with it
'Cause it was inappropriate
It was in poor taste
It was wrong
(It was)
And I knew it
He came to tell me
He said Don't ruin a good thing, don't fuck this up
Don't fuck this up, you've got a good thing, girl, but you can't fuck it up
God, I fucking hate you
Jesus, the things I do for you
You're so fucking stupid
You're so fucking stupid
That's what he says
And I love it
I love it
When he's in here me
He's always in here with me
He was in Alabama with me
And he hit her, and I watched him hit her
And I saw it, I saw his hand
And he came into my room
And he came into my room
(Mhm)
He's always coming in my room
And I think he's an angel
I think he's an angel
And I know he can't release me from
I stop moving when I get scared
And I get so tired, I get so tired (hm)
I'm so tired, fuck
I'm so tired
I'm so tired
Oh my God
And I want him to touch me, I do
I still want him to touch me
I want him to be real
It's easier when it's real
There's edges, there's edges and I can put pins in it
I hate when it's not real
It feels like- it feels like
God, what does it feel like? What does it feel like?
Do you have any idea?
(Mmh, yes)
Tell me
You know what it feels like? Tell me
(When you shake)
Oh, it makes me shake
Well, when you have a body, it makes me-
It makes me wanna throw up
(You have to let it go)
I have to throw up
Fuck it, I'm going to be one forever, forever
(You're in the dark)
I can't feel anything
I can't feel anything
I can't stop the memories
It hurts me, it hurts me
But I get so fucking- I get scared
I get really scared, I do
I do as to myself, I wake up, I wake
And I tell myself, 'I'm gonna die'
And every-time the phone rings, someone's died
I love it, I know it, I love it, I know it, I know it
(This could be God testing you)
And they'll be right
(Imagine where you'll stand after this, with our holy lord)
I'm scared to move my body without the mind
It's not fit, not fit, not fit to be without, it's not fit
Mhm, do you like that, do you like that
There's a hole, lay in it, till you come around
Mhm, stay and rest, and feel
God's from me, so far from him I'm digging to find its hook
And I can't, I can't cause I'm fucking stupid
And if I try, he loved me at sixteen, and when I get here, he'll rip me into fucking pieces
Rip me into fucking pieces
I don't feel good, I don't feel good, I don't know what I feel right now, oh lord
But I wanna make the picture and the proof, deep within the darkness
I feel it, deep within
No longer need to be right, but I feel it as his wrath
I'm scared of the life and the body and the broken neck and the blood and the- I'm so scared
I'm so scared, uh
I'm so scared
I don't wanna be seeing death
Christ forgot us, that even my soul corrupts me
I went so far, and when I came back, it wasn't anything
Not yet, not yet, does it feel good?
Will it come to kill me?
If you're gonna kill me, kill me whilst everyone watches
There's enough of me to go around until I'm nothing
Then one time, it'll end
And it will, as it's always, always, always going through something
When does it stop
(It doesn't stop)
When does it stop, I wanna get out
I want the punishment through
As I feel my body, as everybody, it hurts
Oh It gets closer
Rips me out
When God meets me, I'll leave
When God meets me, as this sullen creature
Forgive me as I loved you
Oh God, lowly, and in opportune, and sick
I'm like a child with a whole life inside his hands
Set the room inside, you'll watch me
You'll watch me die again and again
And you'll keep creating me to kill me
You fucking bitch
And when I die, I want it to be long, I want it to go down to fucking hell
Fuck me, and as I'm taken from you
I won't feel a thing
(You will)
Feel the noise, do you feel what I feel within the reverberations
When I saw her, and she saw me
And she was more like me, she was me but primal
But those eyes, her eyes told me, they said
'Raise me to him and to pain again and again
And again and again and again and again
Until there is nothing'
And it won't give up, I want it to
You look scared
Over and over, and over and over, and over, and over, and over
I can't quiet it, I can't even feel it
(Be calm)
Fucking bitch doesn't get the feeling
I'm grown enough, enough to understand
They're all here for me in this, the sons of a bitch
(Who are they)
They're all coming
They're all knowing
I tell them all, I love you
If my mother could see me now, in the open airy days, it's so- sudden
I have felt enough, I have done enough, I have felt myself enough times to death
I have done it all again and again and again
Until it makes me fucking sick
Good God, can I have a break?
Can I just go to sleep?
Even in my dreams, he tries to haunt me
I was there, when I jumped
And I felt myself fall from the veil, I was there
And I dreamt of my skull in a saw, a shotgun in my brain
I was there, when I tried to hold my head under water
They want me to die, so be it
I've never much lived, you'll all be good
They all want it, I can't even tell you how much
I don't care
God, oh God, it goes on and on
When will the hunger stop?
When will the hunger stop?
I'm gonna kill my self to make it stop
I'm gonna kill myself to make it, kill myself, kill myself
Just to make it stop, it's enough, I'll die knowing it all and as I leave, I'll come for you all
I'll tell you how I feel when I drown and when the beat comes
No comfort, no empathy, endless, it just ends here from the great dark
I die
Something pulls at me from the beyond
Pulls
I can't help myself, I can't even free myself, give me something please
Help me
I'm run scared, I'm sorry
I can't care anymore
I don't think I ever will anymore
My body resides, is this what I was born here for?
Am I that scared of this, me of what I'll be made out
I don't care
I think no more as they can no longer kill me
I just don't think I have much time
I find myself at the edge of, don't even fall
I was young, defiant, you can go find me at the low, low woods
Oh my God, he's in here
(Who's here?)
Him
Him, him
Him, him, him, him
When will it stop?
I can't live this anymore
(You won't have to anymore)
I'm so scared
Mhmm
It's not so scary, the objectivity of knowing all
I'll recover what's left of this, I know where it comes from
I know that it'll take me, I know what it does, I know what it's like to lose
The pain, so punctual, so actual in flames, so relentless
This is how I die, this is how the tallest die
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
But it just won't end, in this house
It's taken me back, and I can go again
This is my head, recoiled back
(You feel it)
Oh I feel it, oh, I don't care what happens to me now
I want to be with it, at least make the part
But the sudden move, I can't help myself
I can't leave here, I can't go and risk it
I can't leave, I won't make it
And that's what I fear
I don't need you to help me, not like I need you
I don't need angels, I just need the thing above
Thank you angel, but I can't get through to enough
Nearer, my God, to Thee
Oh, nearer to Thee
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me
Still all my song shall be nearer, my God, to Thee
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee
I'm gonna be sick, I'm gonna be sick
I'm so sorry God
Jesus has it out for me, they know what we do, but they don't
Father, I may have an idea, and I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I will destroy the pillars
I won't let them do this to you
I know that they let me be for a reason
And the way I walked from it so many times, and I'm sorry but
You look so beautiful
There is so much in this room to hear you
But I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to
Weakness is an impossible thing
It's a choice, it always is
And I have chosen to get weak
I have the weak, father, and I'm sorry
And I have been consumed by weak, and it has made me sick
And I have thrown up everything in my body
Till there's nothing left to throw up
And still, my soul does it, it goes for the weakness
Weakness as a body does not have to be weakness in the mind
If you thought me as living thus far, it's best that you leave
No one leaves, no one leave, I want to leave
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna do this anymore
I hate it here
I'm gonna be sick
(Breathing)
I'm gonna be sick
Can you promise me something?
Can you promise this once it rises?
And even if he's stands there in the corner of the room forever
Can you promise to kill me once I leave?
(I can promise that)
I love you, I love you, I'm gonna be sick
I'm gonna be sick, I can't do this anymore