Bayswater Aint A Bad Place To Be

Are we off?
Yeah!
Two-one, two-two, th—

Er, three

Bruce (putting on rod smallwood's yorkshire accent)
I don't know what's this bloody track's doing there
What's this bloody track?
What are these bloody knobs?
What is? What are you doing here?

What about doing all this bloody music?
Stop that!
Stop that (Nicko)!
Bloody hell!
I've had this!

What about the bloody (deadline) a—
Pissing about in the bloody studio all the time!
I mean, I'm bloody sat here working my fingers to the bone
Trying to get this bloody album out at the top of the bloody artwork

And steve wants some bloody blobby tattoo
On his bloody willie to draw the bloody head in
What the bloody hell do they think I am?
I've bloody got to walk into the bloody Emi, capitol

And the biggest bloody record companies
In the bloody world and say
Look here's a bloody picture of a bloody Eddie
With a bloke and his fucking dick!
What the bloody hell do you all think they're gonna make of that?

Why can't they write songs about proper things like cricket?
Aaargh, God!
Boycott! There was a man!
There was a man!

They're writing bloody stupid songs these day
You know what I mean?
Gremlins 2: The Ghoulies, the bloody great film, you know
If I'd wanted, I'd wanted the band to be bloody in it
Well, they'd be bloody in it and all this, you know, bloody stupid

Bloody blood everywhere, it's brilliant!
Bloody hell, where's the bloody cricket?
I know it's Christmas!
It shouldn't make any fucking difference, should it
They should be putting cricket on

Speaking of Christmas, I invited some bastard round at Christmas
He ain't paid me for bloody turkey yet
What did he have?
Two-thirds of a breast and half a thigh
That'll be five pounds sixty-three pence

What a cunt, there's some bloody arseholes around these days
You never know they stab you in the back as soon as look at you

Nicko! Nicko!
Nicko, stop wearing that bloody jacket and those [?]
You look bloody pregnant, lad
Ooh, no, don't give me that stupid look
How many bloody change have you got?

Never mind how many change I've got
How many bloody change have you got?
Ooh, couldn't you dress appropriately on a golf course, Nicko
Noo! You don't wear

You wouldn't come onto a bloody golf course
Or a bloody drumkit wearing a bloody
A bloody silk bloody satin bloody whatever the bloody hell it is
Would you?

Well, I don't care if you're a pop star
You're booga-bloody-bug? Bloody golf course now
You're bleeding embarrassing me
You're embarrassing me

You come with a bloody jacket and tie next time, I tell you
Now, shut up 'cause I'm going to adjust
No, I'm not gonna bloody adjust you anymore
I'm gonna adjust the ball

Right, I'm adjusting the ball
I'm standing here right now, ok
(Mumbles something unintelligible)
Where's the bloody ball?

Alright, letcha move that here, wait, right
See it now, I'll pick up the driver
Fault! Fault!
Get out of the bloody way, you stupid!

Get out of the way, you stupid arseholes! Get out!
I'm bloody going to play the—
I'm bloody going to play the ball!
Fucking f
I'll hit them on the bloody head never mind

Right, here we go, right
Whoo, bastard!
Bollocks off! Fucking hell!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

It's all your bloody fault
It's all your bloody fault
It's all, I can pick it up, can't I?
Why not? What is it? What?

What's up with the fucking rules?
What bloody rules?
These stupid bloody rules
Well how should I, where is it?
In the water? What am I suppo—, look!

Well you'll have to get it
It's your bloody fault
You bloody get it! Yes, now!
I'm not, I don't care if it's not part of your job description

Record producer? Wha
You'll never bloody work again
Get in that bloody water now
Or you will never bloody work again
Bloody nerve! Record producer!

You know who I am?
What do you mean you've never heard of me?
You must have seen me number plate, it's on me range rover
Where do I live?

Well how should I know if there's any mountains in bayswater?
I only go out there to get the bloody Sunday papers? Anyway
That fucking band up? Bloody legs, are they?
You know, I mean

I mean what good is the bloody music without the
See, what good is the bloody music without the sleeve I ask him
No! No! No! Nobody's bothered about the music steve
Only you and the fans

I mean, I mean if it wasn't for the bloody fans
I wouldn't be 'ere! You understand?
You know, I mean, I'm only bloody
I'm not doing this for fun!

I mean, you kno-, steve
No, no, no, steve, t—
No, no, no, no—, no need to talk to me like that steve, no—
Now look, look, I'm only arguing with you for fun, Steve

No, o' course I don't mean it
I just want to give [your since a?] driving to an early grave
You know, but, er, nick, oh, oh
Nicko! Nicko! Nicko, not behind that bush

Noo! It's win, it's windsor bloody golf course
The bloody queen plays here
If she fucking played golf she'd play here!
Oh for Christ's, what if bloody Lord What's-His-Name walked here

Ooh, you what?
Fear of the dark? You want to call it
Fear of the dark? (Sighs)
Hold on, I'll see what the bloke at the bloody off-license thinks about it

Like, listen
I've spoken to the bloke at the bloody off-license
And I've spoken to the minicab driver
And he thinks it should be called blood-sweating beer

Nothing like a bloody good yorkshire title, like ye-
Look, you get on with the bloody music
And leave the important stuff like, ehh, you know
The marketing and the design and the sleeve and the photograph
[?] goes to me

I've got a lot better title
What about, eh
L-a's from here to eternity or
Bayswater ain't a bad place to be

Well, I know bayswater isn't rock 'n' roll, Steve
But neither was monterey until bloody hendrix went there
The isle of wight was never bloody rock 'n' roll
Until the bloody beatles went there

Oh, I know the beatles never went there
But it's only a bloody detail
Don't be so fucking pedantic
Oh, bloody hell! What? This bloody song?
This bloody song

What about calling it
What about calling it fear of the golf?
Fear of the golf no, not the gulf!
You don't want to depress everybody

What's that got to do with
You've already got a song about the Gulf War
Afraid to shoot strangers, this is about the Gulf War
Well, the Gulf War's over, steve!

It's already happened and it's not news anymore
Couldn't you change it, one letter
And make it, make it about golf
Golf's happening all the time!
It happens every bloody year

The Gulf War never happens every bloody year, does it?
I mean, they'll have forgotten about it in five years' time
You're not singing about the bloody second world war now
But nobody's singing songs about golf
You'll go to the bloody market, I'm telling you!
You will! You will!

What's this bloody bit of graffiti on the bog wall?
I'm not afraid to shoot managers!
Who put it there? Who put it there, hands up!
Who put it there? Who did? Mark?

Mark put it there? He bloody works for me
'E never told me he could read or write!
Have to bloody watch my back now
There's a bloody conspiracy theory going on
Bloody hell!

Who wants to talk to me? Who? Who 'dis?
Who's on the phone? An artist?
Bloody numby pumpy nod, just tell him to fuck off
I'm watching the bloody golf

Oh, and somebody still owes me
For half the cost of that bloody turkey
When he came 'round for Christmas dinner
Bloody nerve! Mind you!

Mind you, heh, you do have to look up
You know, I mean the lads, I mean, they not so bad
And I kno—, I know they don't mean everything they say because
Y'know, because ultimately I'm always right

Because the end, I mean, it's always my ideas that do get chosen
Even though I didn't think of them
Well, not quite
I mean I like to think of meself as being a

A creative geoffrey boycott
You know, the- like the bloke who stood there for hours and hours
Until the crowd went, still
And then he was still shown on the telly after they were all dead

Oh, yes! The legend will live on!
And they bloody know me down the indian, you know
I'm a bloody superhuman cricket man
Boycotting existential golfing machine!

I can't dig the blues, but I can dig a bloody divatark
I'm bloody tell you!
I'm a matchless millionaire, a bloody volcanised vehking
I'm midfist roderick smallwood, with my own bloody number plate

I'll bloody tell them
I tell you I'm bloody glad I came back here from la
England bloody needs me