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Apologia (Opening Letter, Opening Chorus)

Irving Berlin

[Stage version:]
[Opening Letter]
[Secretary:]
Mister Lebowitz's office
He's busy
Who shall I say?
Yes, sir
I'll be glad to
I'll tell him
Okay

[Lawyer:]
Take a letter to Mr. B. G. DeSylva
My dear Mister DeSylva
I've read the book of your show
And as your legal advisor, I'm writing to let you know
That you're skating on very thin ice
And since you've asked my advice
Let me warn you it can't be done
I know it's all in fun
But there is a state called Louisiana
And anyone can tell
That both your acts are based on facts
And they're gonna be sore as hell
You won't get away with it -- they'll sue
You and Ryskind and Berlin, too
Because
There are laws
Laws that specifically say
You can't write a book or a play
Based on characters living today
And that's what you've done
I know it's in fun
But, for instance, the very first scene
The character you call the Dean
You've changed the name but just the same
They're going to know who you mean
And you won't get away with it, oh no
The minute you open they'll close the show
And they'll sue
They'll sue
You and Ryskind and Berlin, too
And the cast will go to jail
Of that I have no doubt
But speaking as your attorney
Let me say that there is a way out
You can make the whole thing legal
Without changing a line in your book
It can still be Louisiana
You can call a crook a crook
But you must say it's based on fiction
And everything will be fine
Yours truly, Sam Lebowitz
Of Rafferty, Driscoll and O'Brien

[Opening Chorus]
[Louisianans:]
Before we start the show
We'd like to have you know
The characters portrayed
In our musical charade
Have not been based on persons living or dead
They've all been made up out of the author's head
Instead
The things that we reveal
Never happened, they're not real
In spite of what you've heard or what you've read

The politicians we investigate
Could come from Maine or Kansas, or Montana
So we laid our story in a mythical state
A mythical state we call Louisiana

Within our simple plot
You'll notice quite a lot
Of references to crooks
Who have monkeyed with their books
And with those gentlemen we're not too gentle
If they seem like men you've read about
It's purely accidental

The law says shows like this one can get by
With one restriction
It must be fiction
We've tried to stay within the law, that's why
We laid the scenes
In New Orleans
A city we've invented so that there would be no fuss
If there is such a place, it's certainly news to us

Again, the same old word
No matter what you've heard
The villains in our show
Are just characters, and so
If an arrow seems to strike
Someone who's investigated
If he looks to you just like
Someone to whom you're related
Don't go out and sue
We don't mean you
It's fiction so don't be temperamental
If your sons are millionaires
Don't start trembling in your britches
When a character declares
That you're dirty sons of riches
Don't go out and sue
We don't mean you
The likeness is purely accidental

So, please bear this in mind
Our show is of the mythical kind
The book is mythical
The score is mythical
To make them mythical was our only chance
The girls are mythical
The boys are mythical
And now we'll let our mythical show advance
And go into our mythical dance

[Film version:]
[Opening Letter]
[Lawyer:]
Take a letter to Paramount Studios, Hollywood
Gentlemen,
I've read the book of your show
And as your legal advisor, I'm writing to let you know
That it really can't be done
I know it's all in fun
But there is a state called Louisiana
And anyone can tell
That they're gonna be sore as --
Well, you won't get away with it -- they'll sue
You and the writers and the actors, too
Because
There are laws
Laws that specifically say
You can't write a book or a play
Based on characters living today
Yes, the cast will go to jail
Of that I have no doubt
But speaking as your attorney
Let me say that there is a way out
You can make the whole thing legal
Without changing a line in your book
It can still be Louisiana
You can call a crook a crook
But you must say it's based on fiction
And everything will be fine
Yours truly, Sam Horowitz
Of Rafferty, Driscoll and O'Brien

[Opening Chorus]
[Louisianans:]
Before the picture starts
We say with all our hearts
The characters portrayed
In our musical charade
Have not been based on persons living or dead
They've all been made up out of the author's head
The politicians we investigate
Could come from Kansas, Maine or Indiana
So we laid our story in a mythical state
A mythical state we call Louisiana
Within our simple plot
You'll notice quite a lot
Of references to crooks
Who have monkeyed with their books
The law says shows like this one can get by
With one restriction
It must be fiction
We've tried to stay within the law, that's why
We laid the scenes
In New Orleans
A city we've invented so that there would be no fuss
If there is such a place, it's certainly news to us
Yes, it's certainly, certainly news to us
Mythical! Mythical!
Fiction! Fiction!
Mythical! Mythical!
Fiction! Fiction!
Mythical! Fiction!
Mythical! Fiction!
Aaaaah!

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