Lois: There's a little town that's sweet and cozy.
If you need a place to get away.
Every street is clean and every face is rosy.
Stewie: And every teenage girl goes all the way.
Brian: And just as Spring is springy, Autumn's autumny.
Peter: And everybody laughs when I say sodomy.
{Audience, Peter, and Stewie laugh}
Stewie: "Sodomy" is a funny word.
Lois: And they say Family Guy is smart comedy.
Peter: Hehehehehehehe, yeah right. Frickin' douche bags. What the hell do they know?
Come and take a holiday in Quahog.
Come and take a Quahog holiday!
Chris: They make corndogs at the grocery store.
Stewie: And last week we shipped out all the poor.
Brian: I get wasted every single evening.
D.U.I. means Drink Up If you please.
Peter: They serve booze at Sunday mass after you pray.
Stewie: It's a gas, I dare say.
Brian: Hop a jet plane straightaway.
Chorus: And take a Quahog holiday!
Brian: Peter, they don't serve booze at Sunday mass; that's communion wine.
Peter: Well, whatever it is, that jackass reverend wouldn't refill my mug last week. I said to him, "Listen, buddy, if I'm not wasted by the time we get to the last hymn, it's gonna be a personal slight to Jesus."
Brian: What happened?
Peter: They escorted me out.
Lois: You know, folks, Quahog really is a wonderful town. There's so much to do. You can have a picnic on the village green, spend a day at the beach.
Meg: Go to the mall!
Peter: Or just hang around and shoot the shit.
Brian: Or, if you're dyslexic, toosh the tish.
Stewie: Oh, that's wonderful, Brian, make fun of learning disabilities. You know, sometimes, I have no idea who the deuce you are.
Peter: Hey, it's Cleveland and Quagmire!
Quagmire: Hey, can we jump in for a verse?
Peter: Yeah, knock yourselves out, fellas.
Quagmire: Heh, heh, heh, all right.
Both: Come and take a holiday in Quahog.
Chorus: And we mean every single day.
Both: Come and take a Quahog holiday!
Chorus: Oh yes, a happy holiday.
Quagmire: We drink just like fish when we go out.
Cleveland: Even though it gives me nasty gout.
Quagmire: It's a town a single guy can thrive in.
Cleveland: Till his pubic hair is old and grey!
Quagmire: Gig, gig, giggity, gig, gig, giggity, gay, giggity, giggity, gig, gig, giggity, gig gay
Both: It's a party every day.
So take a Quahog holiday!
Chris: Hey, look, everybody, it's Mayor Adam West!
Adam West: Hello everyone! I was in the neighborhood and I heard singing. Any time I hear singing, I have to join in.
Come and take a holiday in Quahog.
Come and take a Quahog holiday.
Sure, the local crooks may never rest,
But they don't dare screw with Adam West!
Lois: Every day you're cleaning up our city.
Adam West: Everything from crime to tooth decay!
I'll teach any thug that crime won't ever pay.
Then I'll lock them away and I call it a day
And take a Quahog holiday!
Chris: When I grow up, I want to be just like you, Mr. West.
Adam West: Well, thank you son. However, I should warn you that if you succeed in becoming exactly like me all the way down to the molecular level, it could upset the material constant of the universe. In which case I'd have to destroy you to ensure the physical integrity of the fabric of space and time.
Chris: I think my brain just peed itself.
Brian: All right, what do you say we wrap this thing up, folks?
Brian and Stewie: Come and take a holiday in Quahog!
Come and take a Quahog holiday.
Brian: We think evolution's right as rain.
Stewie: Yes, not like Southern folks who've gone insane!
Lois: We've got every color and religion.
Peter: Noone beats you silly if you're gay!
Lois': If you feel your crazy life slippin' away.
Pack your bags and don't delay!
Brian: And come join us here today!
Peter, Brian, and Stewie: And take a Quahog holiday.
Chorus: And take a Quahog holiday! Holiday!
