It’s hard to be living You gotta play the cards you were given You think it’s simple but it goddamn isn’t It’s tougher now than breaking out of Shawshank prison And as you’re hittin your prime People say you been committing a crime But I won’t quit till I’m home I’ll chip the limestone a bit at a time Wait! I’m a pale ass pale middle-class straight white male I won’t have an alibi the day I fail 'Cause if I ever went to jail, Mom would pay my bail In a [boom-boom] heartbeat Mom and Dad have given me a lot more than a pat on the back And I gotta thank ‘em for loving me From the moment I was strapped in a Volvo car seat When I needed a pep talk I couldn’t remember to wreck shop Writer’s block, staring at my laptop desktop Or sleeping in my rental in a turnpike rest stop Shit in storage, living from a suitcase Thinking “this is how a silver spoon tastes?” 'Cause you can make a dream possible But it’ll never be easy, no matter what you chase If you wanna poke fun then do so I’ll do it for you, it’s no crime I’m like if the dude from Juno grew a Jewfro and liked to rhyme So tell me that I’m not a rapper Tell Rudolph he can’t pull sleighs Tell pluto it’s not a planet And he’ll probably keep spinning in the same old way On and on, every day Right around the sun, wanna feel the rays You do it ‘cause you love it like nothing else in the universe And fuck it, it’s embedded in your DNA
