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Merry Christmas From The Whole Fam Damily

Cledus T. Judd

Twas the fight before Christmas
When all through the house
No furniture left standing, no TV or couch
Our aquarium, heck they even knocked over my Chia Pet
MeMaw was flung 'cross the room by her hair
By her sister Ethel who never fought fair

LET'S GET READY TO TUMBLE!!!!!!!

The children all wrestled and jumped off the beds
Dropping elbows and knees on each other's heads
And MaMaw wth her frying pan and Pa with his bat
Cleared half the room in ten seconds flat
The whole brawl began from an innocent matter
When Aunt Flo thought Eugene said "She looks a whole lot fatter"
She knocked him through the window he fell with a crash
Tore down the gutters and busted his LEG REALLY BAD

You ought to have saw it
It looked like he'd been in a motorcycle wreck
No Kiddin
Yeah awful I couldn't turn to look at it

You see both sides of our family have never gotten along
And every holiday something always go wrong
You ain't supposed to fight but spread joy in this season
But when they get the nog they just look for a reason
In no time at all everybody joined in
And right there we squared off with our closest of kin
It's a time for givin said Uncle Bill
As he gave a black eye to his brother-in-law Phil
I heard somebody say "It's the thought that counts
And right now I'm thinking about knocking your butt out"
Presents and fists flew all over the room
And NaNa had some fancy moves with the broom
She took out three cousins and knocked down the tree
And I ducked just in time she swung out at me

It's my favorite time of year
Dad always has too much beer
Gets on the roof and hunts reindeer
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily

Tie the antlers on the dog
Save some shine for Santa Claus
From all the in-laws and outlaws
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily

I crawled to the phone Lord it seemed like a mile
And called 9-1-1 which we keep on speed dial
In a matter of minutes out the window appeared
Flashing blue lights and the Sherrif John Deere
Just then six men burst through the door
Some yelling "HANDS UP" Some "GET ON THE FLOOR"
A stray punch from Grandpa found the sherrif's chin
And just for good measure he clocked him again
It took all 6 cops to get Grandpa in cuffs
You know he gets feisty when he runs out of snuff
We all stopped our fighting and cheered Grandpa on
Heck I thought he could take them I guess I was wrong
As they dragged him outside he yelled "I'VE BEEN FRAMED"
He was kicking and screaming and calling them names

"You (bleep) You (bleep)
Let me go you (bleep)
You donut eatin stupid (bleep) son of a (bleep)"

We stood on the porch as did all our neighbras
Who always took interest in our family's behavior
"Mind your own business" we heard Grandma shout
And "We'll take back the presents and then come bail you out"
By now we'd forgotten what we were fighting for
We were battered and bruised but united once more
Then we all joined hands and sang "Violent Night"

Violent Night

And we heard Grandpa exclaim as they drove off out of sight:
"Merry Christmas to all...MAN that was a good fight!!!!"

Deck your neighbor deck the halls
Tis the season for a brawl
From all of us to all of y'all
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily
Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily

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