I was kissin' Miss Jolene in the back of the saloon
When Ruby kicked the door in, hollerin': Doom
The whole damn town was watchin', yellin': There he goes again
And I heard that cursed sheriff say: Boys, bring me that man
Now the alley smelled like laundry and defeat
When I spotted salvation flappin' in the heat
A clothesline full of bloomers, silk stockings and a dress
And I thought: Well hell, desperation sure can make a genius
So I squeezed into a corset like a sausage in a sack
Stuffed two socks in the front and tied a bonnet in the back
Them high heels was murder, but prison sounded worse
And I waddled through the cattle yard like a haunted church lady cursed
Now I ain't proud of cheatin'
But I sure am proud of speed
And when a woman's got a skillet
Buddy, that's all the reason you need
Now I ain't sayin' I enjoyed it
But I ain't sayin' that I didn't
And if survival means wearin' panties
Buddy, I've officially transcended
The sheriff came ridin' with his deputies behind
I thought: This is it, boys, they finally got my hide
But then he tipped his hat and flashed a crooked grin
Said: Well, good lord almighty, where you been all my life, miss?
Then he offered me a cigarette and helped me cross the street
Meanwhile I'm sweatin' through a bra stuffed full of stolen bedsheets
Then he leaned down from the saddle with that movie-star little smirk
And I noticed for a lawman, the bastard kinda worked
Now I ain't proud of cheatin'
But I sure am proud of speed
And when a woman's got a skillet
Buddy, that's all the reason you need
Now I ain't sayin' I enjoyed it
But I ain't sayin' that I didn't
And if survival means wearin' panties
Buddy, I've officially transcended
So if you ride through Texas and hear some cowboy sing
About the outlaw in the sundress and the sheriff with a ring
Just know the moral's simple: Life's strange as it can get
One minute you're dodgin' prison, next you're bein' called darlin' by the law you ain't escaped yet
Now I ain't proud of cheatin'
But I sure am proud of speed
And when a woman's got a skillet
Buddy, that's all the reason you need
Now I ain't sayin' I enjoyed it
But I ain't sayin' that I didn't
And if survival means wearin' panties
Buddy, I've officially transcended
