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Eastern Philosophers VS Western Philosophers

Epic Rap Battles Of History

[Socrates]
I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium
Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium
The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention

[Nietzsche]
Rolling with the flyest nihilist

[Voltaire]
And me, their french henchman

[Western]
We got the wisdom
And the wit
That even I couldn't question
Dropping western medicine
On these east infections
It's evident
You've never been
Our type of mental brethren, we're better
Thinkers
Better speakers
Better lovers
Better men

[Confucius]
This type of arrogance is sure to be expected
From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is

[Lao Tzu]
You westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life
You lack control of yourselves
And of the mic

[Sun Tzu]
While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration

[Confucius]
Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations

[Eastern]
We filled a nation
With patience
And the presence
For living
And you’ll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've written

[Nietzsche]
Oh, I’ll give you something you can bow and kowtow to
When I squat down and squeeze out a tao of pooh on Lao Tzu
You need to take control of the life you’re given
They call me Übermensch
Cause I’m so driven

[Voltaire]
And I’m a freethinker
So confronting conformists like you?
It’s my job
Got a sharp wit, like a spit that’ll skewer you
Like a confu-shish-kebab!
You flubbed the mission
I'm beating your submissive ass into submission
Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays
That I've been publishing

[Socrates]
Now that we’ve covered the two yin and yang twins
I can move onto Jackie Chan
Sun Tzu, I’ll be picking apart your wu with my method, man
This seminal general isn’t so tough on the mic
All your men must be like
Yo, what happened?
You’re pitiful lyrically
Lucky for history
You didn’t author the art of rapping

[Sun Tzu]
Bitch, I wrote the Art of War so you better get your guns out
These white boys getting burned ‘cause guess what?
Now the Sun’s out
Asians spitting sick
But no, this isn’t SARS
Laozi, kick the beat
Now Confucius, drop some bars

[Confucius]
Let me be candide with you, Voltaire
French drip with the egg noodle hair
Your ego’s just so distracting
Free speech doesn’t mean just keep yapping
And you killed God, so I gotta ask
Did he die of shame when he made your moustache?
You try to plan a new german psyche
But you just grew hate, me no third reichy

[Sun Tzu]
And it all starts with you
You’re the father, Socrates
Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology

[Nietzsche]
I wouldn’t exactly call myself a student of this plebe
Don’t make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi
Cause I’m N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E
And I’ll end any motherfucker
Like my name in a spelling bee

[Socrates]
Plebe, bitch?
I’m toxic like a hemlock sip
Hang a sandal on the door cause you can suck Soc’s dick

[Voltaire]
Sacré bleu, Socrates!
You’re making things a little tense
Come, let’s blind these chinese hinies
With some shiny bright enlightenment

[Socrates]
I'll not be taught camaraderie
From a frog who rigged the lottery
You make a mockery of ethics
So keep your fat nose in your coffee

[Voltaire]
Let me be frank
Don’t start beef with the Frank
Who hangs with B. Franks
Giving ladies beef franks

[Sun Tzu]
I have turned them on themselves
Their chaos is our opportunity

[Lao Tzu]
We must remember
A bowl is most useful when it is empty

[Sun Tzu]
Ugh, Laozi
I don’t mean no disrespect
But you need to fill your bowl
With some shit that makes some sense

[Lao Tzu]
Oh, you don’t want to stand in the path of Lao Tzu today
I’ll make you move, bitch
Get out the way!

[Confucius]
Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written
That two dudes on the same team
Should squabble like some clucking chickens?

[Sun Tzu]
Man Confucius, you always trying to put something in its place
Why don’t you tell your eyebrows
They need to fit better on your face?

[Confucius]
Okay, I see, you wanna make it like that?
I’ll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat
So here’s the real golden rule
I’m way above you weak rookies
Confucius say
You can all hold these fortune cookies!

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